I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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