so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
tell me about the eggs
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