last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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