life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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