my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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