I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
