felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
