genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
