well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
