im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
