Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
