How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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