Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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