just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
