that's an acceptable place to lick
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
