My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
