I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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