I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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