not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
