i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
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