so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
