So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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