i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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