and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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