Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
