Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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