Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
