I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
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why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
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I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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