after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
