I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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