you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
