I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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