After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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