My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
