I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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