You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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