This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
