Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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