All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
