well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
