Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
if only i could text you this smell
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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