Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
