grandma shit on top of the toilet
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
