Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just found puke in my bra..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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