I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
