I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize