Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
