overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
