If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
We talked him into tasing himself.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
