I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
