you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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