hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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