Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
