i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
