we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
