And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was not drunk enough for that final.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
